I believe, that I am more than half way through my life, I am still afraid or fearful, to stand up for myself, and basically say “NO” when I really mean No! In the last 47 almost years of my life, I have found it incredibly difficult to do that. I was taught very young, that no matter how I felt or what my needs were that I had to do as others wanted me to do. So I agreed to things, I did not want to. I feel that I am not the first nor the last to feel this way. This brings me, true sadness for the younger Me. It is obvious to Me, that I cannot continue to be the same person anymore. It brings me anger, which I don’t like having in any form. I fear the response of those who have prayed on me before, one of them being my employer, who after almost nine years I know I have to leave for my well being, my self esteem, not to mention my self worth. But in this decision, to leave this abusive relationship, I have to take into account that this is how I make my living, how will I pay my bills and survive, if not in this abusive relationship? I know I am not alone in this fear.
I know GOD will always provide, but there are times, when I feel scared to stand up for myself and say NO more! I did it as a very young teenager, which I will talk about later on in this blog, or for sure in the book I will write.