After almost 20 years of therapy, so many books read, I cannot count them. I still find myself in the crooks, fangs, grip of the narcissist, not to mention the overwhelmingly critical person. Questioning myself as usual, knowing better, yet still felling vulnerable in their company. Wondering, were we in the same relationship, because by the sound and story they tell, it seems like we weren’t. Of course I seem to be the “bad” “defective” one. I feel like I was abducted by aliens, and my memory and reality was altered. It feels like they are trying to rip my spirit to shreds and stab my Soul. How is it, that I the one who has worked so hard on herself, thru therapy, reading, and more pain than I can put into words, realizing my own faults, and being accountable, trying to be mindful even when it is incredibly difficult. Do I still fall for this finger pointing from a person or persons, who have done nothing to better themselves, improve, or even try to be find kindness for another, and still wanting more. What is wrong with me??? With heart in hand and tears streaming in waves of pain.
To be honest this happens to me, with all the narcissist in my life, (unfortunately or maybe fortunately I have many of them, some are “key” players i.e. Mom and Dad) they don’t need to be a past lover, as you can see in my previous blogs the books I have read, (recommended by my therapist). I have been surrounded by people with this personality defect. Obviously there is a lesson I need to learn, an incredibly painful one. Not sure how well or quickly I am learning it.
I am blessed and still thankful regardless. Through the pain, I go on, I am grateful, that unlike them, I am able to feel, even if it causes me so much pain, at the same time I can feel and experience great love. To me this is priceless, I cannot imagine a life without being able to. So in short or in the end, I feel sorry for them, they cannot feel the good or bad the way we can. I cannot fandom a life with no feeling. (they do feel but not the same as the rest of us, usually it is believing they are the injured one)