Astrological signs, if one chooses to believe in them, can divine many things about an individual’s life with surprising accuracy. For example, your zodiac can help you identify the perfect show to stream or the perfect cocktail to drink. But it can also indicate things you might already know about yourself, such as your established drinking habits.
So here’s a deep dive into all the whens, wheres, and how muches that rule your star sign’s boozy pursuits, for all you curious, beverage-loving mystics out there. Grab a glass, settle in, and prepare to be stunned by the powers that be.
Aries (March 21st-April 19th)
Aries, you ambitious social butterfly, moving from red wine at dinner with the dean to frat house Fireball shots in a bat of an eyelash. I’m not saying you’re reckless, Ar, just, you know, thirsty… literally. You’re the party’s life force, an electric king balanced atop his icy keg throne, suspended in mid-air by two loyal, calf-gripping subjects. Did somebody say beer pong? You’re in. Enjoy the festivities, my fiery friend, but be sure to pop some Advil before you hit the hay — there are more fears to conquer, more cans to crush, more devils in need of advocates, and more TAs to impress/torture with incendiary political opinions tomorrow.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th)
You know those people who can casually toss back four or five Scotches (neat, no ice) in the time it takes a normal person to down half a beer — and yet somehow they never seem the slightest bit wavy? He’s over there, just across the dimly lit hotel bar, hunched forward in a studded leather armchair, nursing his eighth boilermaker and quoting some thick-ass book on General Sherman’s March to the Sea or mid-century architecture advancements while making full eye contact and enunciating with more grace and precision than an ESL teacher. Sound familiar, Taurus? That’s you, buddy. I applaud you (and your admirably hollow leg).
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th)
You’re as unpredictable as a late-spring snowstorm, Gem. One week you’re chilling on the stoop, chugging 40s like they’re going out of style (for the record, I’m pretty sure they are), and the next you’re swearing off liquor entirely. Your body might be a temple, but your mind sees more action than the UFC Octagon, your thoughts and feelings in constant, paradoxical flux. But you and I both know there’s only one cure for your mental angst: more karaoke (and dancing) (and more drinks). So order up another fruity, umbrella-topped number, grab the mic, and bust a move, maestro — I think I speak for everyone when I say that your one-man “Boy Is Mine” rendition puts Brandy and Monica to shame.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd)
You sure you don’t want to come out tonight, Cancer? Everyone would really love to see you. I know it’s humid as hell outside, but it’s literally been weeks since you’ve emerged from your air-conditioned hovel, where you sit just sipping warm tequila from a worn jelly jar, eyes glued to Antiques Roadshow like it’s the Second Coming. Look, I get it. If there’s one thing you value in life, it’s comfort — and there’s nothing more comfortable than a familiar deep-seat sofa, an eighth of weed, delivery sushi, and a well-stocked home bar. I’ll just text you later, crabby.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
You’re always a few paces ahead of the pack, Leo. A trendsetter in a sea of sipping sheeple, you were the first of your friends to ditch lite domestics for palate-wrecking IPAs, and you’re the only person at the cocktail party who knows precisely how he wants his gin martini (God bless a bartender who overdoes the vermouth). You’re happy to report that you’ve never messed with boxed swill and you never will. It’s all vintage Bordeaux for you, buddy.
But try not to overdo it, my willful shining star — after your third glass or so, the bow ties and cummerbunds fall to the floor and the soapbox comes out, all your natural confidence, intelligence, and passion yielding a level of mansplaining bombastic enough to eclipse the fiercest of puffed-up demagogues. Just remember to pace yourself, Leo — it would totally suck to be 86’d from that fancy new speakeasy before getting a chance to impress your co-workers over $17 Negronis.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd)
No matter where you do your drinking, Virgo, you’re calling the shots (and we’re not talking Bacardi). You may seem reserved at first, but underneath that cool, collected exterior lies a strategic mastermind, plotting the evening’s adventures with effortless finesse and a sharp eye for detail. Who else can be trusted to keep the sauvignon blanc at 45 degrees? You’re the only one who knows the ideal temperature for highlighting all those subtle, tropical notes your sensitive, learned palate loves so much. And if your bumbling, perpetually unprepared co-workers were in charge, they’d always be stuck on the sidewalk, Yelping neighborhood happy hour deals until nightfall. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if you’ve had two or 20 — you’re always ready to steer this booze cruise straight to Perfection Island.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd)
Striking a balance between buzzed and befuddled is tricky business, but lucky for you, Libra, you’re an expert in equilibrium. A sucker for the sensual, you often prefer to do your drinking in the daylight, passing up dingy dives and hooligan-hearty sports bars to slow-sip your Aperol Fizz or crisp rosé in a sunny sidewalk cafe.
Your friends and lovers (often one in the same, you delicate, dirty dog) may grow frustrated with your perpetual indecision — whether it’s deciding what to wear, when to leave, or where to go. But, trust me when I tell you that they’ll always, always appreciate your poise — especially when they’re in need of a designated driver.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st)
When it comes to late-night imbibing, you’re a beast, Scorp, and don’t you know it. Your key phrase, “I desire,” tells me just about everything I need to know to accurately assess your drinking habits. Once you commit to going big, nothing can stand in your way — not an uppity bouncer, not a lethargic, sleepy-eyed mixologist in suspenders, not even the throb of a lingering hangover. You know how to charm your way out of (or into) any situation, your infectious magnetism and uninhibited passion (along with several tall gin and tonics) carrying you from oyster den to hipster dive to glitzy nightclub with exultant exuberance. Spend a night trailing a Scorpio from beer cans to bottle service and you’re guaranteed to wake up with a nasty case of the DTs (though, truth be told, you’ll probably be waking up in their bed).
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st)
Let’s face it, Sagittarius: you’re no stranger to the bottle. And the only thing you like better than drinking is drinking in the company of interesting, attention-giving friends. Come to think of it, you are the physical embodiment of a summer banger — a high-energy people person, a crowd-pleaser with the power to transform any social gathering from lame to lit at the drop of a beat. And unlike every reality star ever, you are officially here to make friends. Look at you! You’re buying rounds, bumping fists, shooting tequila, clinking pints, popping, locking, and dishing out a full year’s worth of unprompted advice. As long as you can stave off the impulse to ghost at the first hint of boredom, my notoriously impatient little Centaur, you’ll remain pure party gold, the motor oil that keeps things grinding till the wee hours.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th)
I’m not saying you’re a teetotaler, Capricorn, but, honestly, you’re not far from it. Your meticulous planning, unwavering need to control your environment, and deeply rooted moral compass pretty much prohibit wet-brained indulgence of any sort. It must be hard to let loose when you’re playing it so damn close to the chest, which is one reason you’d take a glass of red with dinner over an all-night rager any day of the week, Fridays and Saturdays included. That might read as me calling you boring, but the truth is, your natural aversion to browning out makes you the master of professional wine-and-cheese mixers, your cosmopolitan maturity, steady composition, and intuitive social graces rolling out a red carpet towards Schmooze-Town, USA. There’s a reason you often leave us wet-brains in the dust, Cap, and that reason is temperance (and work ethic, perseverance, ambition, blah, blah, blah).
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th)
You’re a bona fide dreamer, Aquarius. Unpredictable, unorthodox, giving, and open-hearted, as creative as Picasso and as caring as Clara Barton. You’re a fluorescent hummingbird fluttering amongst the wildflowers, gulping down life’s most delicious nectars. Those nectars include: pastel-colored cocktails, tart, floral, wild ales, añejo tequila, sweet bourbon on the rocks, and highballs of gin, all imbibed thoughtfully — you’re not a shot person — and with great pleasure.
If you had your druthers, you’d be quaffing these spirits outdoors, perhaps on some grassy knoll, draped in a silk batik and surrounded by laughing friends, a place where you can just relax and soak up the fresh, cool air in a post-Bikram state of bliss. Cheers (and namaste).
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th)
Oh, Pisces, the zodiac’s most misunderstood sign. You might come off as naive, flaky even, but deep down you’re an ocean of raw emotion and great insight, an old soul with a penchant for all things nautical. You’re a night owl, drawn to the sky’s starry mysticism and enticed by its shadowy romance. I see you deckside, soothing your worn heartstrings with a rich, soulful mezcal on an anchored yacht, staring up into the universe, reveling in its wonders. Just be careful not to lose your footing in pursuit of another refill, my sweet, eternally clumsy guppy — those calm, dark waters may tempt you, but your best drinking buddies remain on dry land.