I know I chose these lessons, and knowing myself, I went hard with the desire to gain as much as possible each lifetime, because my goal is to get to the level of being a guiding angel or a higher being, one that does not incarnate any longer, but stays in heaven to help others who come to earth to learn and grow.
I think about the choices, lessons, people I have had. Most would not be able to handle the reality of my life, the hurt, the chaos, the devastation, the loneliness, the betrayal that I have experienced so far.
At the same time I know how incredibly blessed and protected I am. I have never felt like I fit in, anywhere, not here not there, not anywhere. This fact alone is a very difficult feeling, trying to adapt and adjust to.
Even though I wanted nothing more than to fit in as a child, teenager, young adult and even now, at the same time I love that I am not just as anyone else. While this is so incredibly true, at the same time as a young person, I wanted to feel like I fit in, but clearly didn’t. Not even in the family I was born into.
It is not a good feeling, to not fit in. Being a square peg in a round world poses major problems and discomfort.
Feeling since the day you were born that your own mother doesn’t love you the way she should, and then seeing it for another sibling, is another crushing experience. Being told that you are a horrible person to love your own father, being told everyday that you are a piece of shit, a whore, by your mother is not an esteem builder.
I know I chose this, I wonder what lesson I intended to learn? I think it is to love my mother no matter the hurt she caused me, not only to forgive, but love the person who hurt you so deeply and irreparably is truly a lesson in forgiveness.
As the saying goes in Spanish, “No hay mal que por bien, no venga”!