Not again, again!

Last night I got a call from my Mother, I knew not to answer as if my other self knew something I didn’t want to admit, I called her back the next day only to regret, again.

As I spoke to her, she told me she had called to tell me she had returned from her cruise. I thought to myself, oh! I think she had mentioned it the last we spoke, since it had been awhile since that conversation, and I was barely listening, if at all, I had not remembered or cared to be honest.

She then mentioned in a “casual” way that she had been surprised that I had not checked in on her or them being my sister and my niece I have not been allowed to meet. My second thought was “why would I?” They have basically disowned me and left me as my sister likes to say for dead!

I responded by saying I had no idea about the fires in California, which was about 99% true, I might have heard a bit through hearing others conversation, but I had no interest or thoughts about it affecting my loved ones much less them.

Instead of her taking what I said as my truth, she came back at me, saying don’t you have Facebook?! I do but only go on it to play games and see the post that are in the top 20, nothing had come up about the fires. Again, I found I was trying to defend myself as usual. In other words she was calling me a liar.

I am reeling from the conversation a day later, because it has sunk through that this conversation was another abusive attempt to hurt me, and make me react to her narcissistic need for attention.

I usually can keep these feelings at bay,  if I can’t allow people to affect me, I would miss all the wonderful feelings I get by people who do love me.

My mother usually hands me my heart on a charcuterie platter, with judgement, hatred, anger and assumptions that I am a insensitive, non caring person.

I am still trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with these feelings, while not allowing myself to hurt myself,  with the feelings I don’t know what to do with.

Figuring out how to continue being the sensitive person I was born to be, while at the same time protect my heart from being crushed. Knowing when to be cold and hard in order to survive.



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