I just realized (almost thirty years later) that I must have “known” without “knowing”, that my Sister would never know who I truly am in this lifetime, she can’t see me!
The reason I say this, is simple. The first time I thought and verbalized that I wanted my Sister to know me, was when I passed on the opportunity to go to boarding school in Switzerland. I was only twelve.
This makes me believe this was part of my life pre-planning, I knew without knowing somehow, she would not know the real me this time around. My worst nightmare is reality, she thinks she knows me, her feelings are based on the thoughts, feelings and judgments of others around her, not realizing they don’t have a clue who they are, much less who I am.
It sadness me still, time has made it easier to accept, as I have distance myself so far emotionally, physically and mentally in order to protect my heart.
From time to time the sadness creeps in, I cry, I feel the pain and then I let it go, until next time, these thoughts, memories creep into my psyche.
It is safer for me to let it go, it helps to feel that this was all pre-planned and part of a bigger plan, a painful one non the less.