I find myself in a different space this new year. It is hard for me to describe it because it is something new to me, and I cannot find the words.
I am paying much more attention to the way others treat me, and how I feel around them. Questioning, If I feel valued or not.
In yonder years I would take what little I would get, causing my already low self esteem to plummet.
Today, I would rather be alone, then take less than I am worth. This “self esteem” has come about extremely slowly and through much pain, but here non the less. I find that I am not as angry with myself, which in turn means, I don’t punish myself, which I am very good at.
I was trained as a child to give, to bend over backwards and do and take whatever I was told. In this area of my life I was an amazing student, I learned to take abuse and smile, I learned to give and give and never expect anything in return, I learned to show respect to people who didn’t deserve it. I learned to be silent, inevitably I learned to keep everything inside, which caused damage.
Today, I am not willing to pay that price anymore. I am showing myself love, kindness and respect, if the people around me, don’t do the same, they will no longer be in my life!!
I am a work in progress, I am growing and learning daily, as I contemplate my feelings, thoughts and actions.