“Sorry I’m late. Sorry I lost my keys. Sorry my car is a disaster”.
Living with ADD often means apologizing all the time, for everything — not to mention a crippling sense of inadequacy and shame — as you try to “pass for normal.”
The phrase trying to “pass as normal” rings so very true for me. I always knew something about me was a bit off, I just thought I wasn’t as smart as others, or that I was inept, inadequate or incapable of what seemed to come so easily for everyone else, the SHAME that accompanies this feeling of inadequacy is insurmountable!
Trying not to call attention to it, I would instead make a joke about not remembering something, not knowing something I should, etc. because a lot of the times, I knew I had been there physically and should know what people were talking about, but for some reason could not retain any of it, even if I found it interesting. Then when I would have the courage to speak up because I finally knew the answer, inevitably there would be someone to tell me I was wrong and why I was wrong, my parents especially my Father were the first to do this to me, so I learned to keep quiet and play the role of the “air head” life was easier this way, it usually is if no one expects much of you. This way too, they could just tell me what my thoughts “should” be. Little did they know I wasn’t listening. I still have opinions, and my own thoughts.
The other thing that comes along with having ADD is the boredom which is palpable, sometimes I feel like I will literally fall asleep while “trying” to be present or when I am “listening” to someone speak.
I am anxious and get up and move around.
Now at least I have a name, a diagnosis, and a plan to help with all of this, hoping that with my doctors help, I can do or try something that will alleviate some of my issues/symptoms, unfortunately, no matter how many drugs, therapy or help I get for this neurological disorder, I cannot change the past, or the shame I have felt, and still need to deal with.
As they say you can’t fix it, if you don’t know what it is that needs to be fixed. Now I know, now I can work towards a better tomorrow.