When I think of my challenges and pain I have endured, it overwhelms me so much at times, where the only thing I can think of is giving up, when the beauty of life itself is hard to see much less feel. When every cloud I see is grey and the thought of the future is bleak.
I have considered a way to put a permanent stop to it all since I was 10 years old. I feel that I was born with a very sensitive heart into a family and life that is harsh, and cruel, not to mention the coldness and unforgiving, critical, rejecting parents and siblings I chose. Because of their cruelty, callous and hurtful treatment of me, I am who I am. I know I should thank them for that, since I have found out how resilient I truly am, and believe I chose them to dish out these lessons which they have and they have close to break me, but I am still here!
I am working on loving myself, just as I am, some days are harder than others. I struggle, I cry, I feel sorry for myself, I want to scream and yell and fantasize on giving up. Then I have those days were I feel like I can fly, I can soar like a bird, free of pain, self hatred, and loathing of myself.
In my heart I know I chose this life, I chose the people who have hurt me and the ones who love me, I know I chose these lessons, so I cannot or should not complain, instead I make the effort to figure out what I need to learn from them and the painful lessons, I believe that changing my reaction and how I experience all of it, so instead I can grow and move forward.
I know I am better for it, yet it is a struggle non the less. Everything is as it should be. I am exactly where I am meant to be, I have had the lessons I chose, and those that are karmic, which will only make my soul grow.
In the end I embrace it all, no matter how much it hurts or how difficult it might seem in the moment. I will survive and I will learn, forgive and thrive. I am truly thankful, grateful and always blessed!
