40 Things Women Over 40 Secretly Google

Late at night as I perch myself in front of my laptop, my mind drifts to junior high. Oh, not because I’m still bitter that I lost the school spelling bee or because listening to Bon Jovi as I type puts me in my happy place. I just can’t believe I survived those years of hormonal hell without the help of Google.

These days, I can’t endure a single day without feeding my curiosity via the internet search engine. This was a slow burn. Back in Google’s millennium-era infancy, I used it for legit research purposes such as dictionary definitions, subway directions and whether my blind date had a secret wife. It never occurred to me to deep-dive into my own personal issues. But as I’ve aged and watched my body change before my (increasingly farsighted) eyes, I’ve become brazen in my immediate need to get to the bottom of my quirky issues. Google is now my doctor, financial adviser, beauty expert, closest confidante and therapist all rolled into one free service on call and happy to help 24/7. It doesn’t make a scrunched-up judgmental face for asking embarrassing and ultra-personal questions, either. Honestly, can you say all that about your BFF?

Granted, Google doesn’t allow for total privacy and discretion. And the answers aren’t foolproof — my chiropractor recently scolded me for blowing off an appointment because Google informed me that my lower back pain was treatable with stretching. But it’s comforting to know that support and solutions are just a click away. It’s also comforting to know I’m not Googling in the dark alone … even when I am. Here’s what every woman over 40 has secretly punched into that clean white home page. Don’t worry, your search history is safe with me!

1. “Why are my periods so irregular?”

2. “Early symptoms of bone density loss”

3. “Does Botox hurt?”

4. “How to stop my husband’s snoring without waking him up”

5. “Odds of getting pregnant at age 45”

6. “Causes of women’s hair loss”

7. “Cures for bloat“

8. “Cost of Microdermabrasion”

9. “Difference between ruptured cyst and indigestion”

10. “What happened to my collagen?”

11. “Adult acne treatments”

12. “Quickest ways to improve sex life”

13. “Jennifer Aniston’s beauty routine”

14. “Help for hot flashes”

15. “Stiff joints in the morning”

16. “How to function on three hours of sleep”

17. “Are varicose veins genetic?”

18. “four cups of coffee and health risks”

19. “Why am I so tired on the weekends?”

20. “Headache and brain tumor”

21. “Best CBD oils”

22. “Flattering Mom Jeans”

23. “How to dye your own hair”

24. “Xanax side effects”

25. “How you know if you have menopause”

26. “Is Brain Fog real?”

27. “Can I retire without a pension?”

28. “Are age spots preventable?”

29. “Cute reading glasses”

30. “Cherry angioma removal”

31. “Alcohol content in Kombucha”

32. “Does tweezing facial hair make it grow back faster?”

33. “Non-invasive facelifts”

34. “Can I run with knee pain?”

35. “Does squinting at my iPhone cause wrinkles?”

36. “When is it too late to open a 401(k) account?”

37. “Does cryotherapy work?”

38. “Foods that make you poop”

39. “How to avoid peeing in middle of the night”

40. “Viagra”

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