I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed with feelings of not being seen or appreciated.
I’m getting aggravated by lazy people around me. I don’t like to feel this way, as I feel it hurls me backwards in my healing and recovery process BUT it is in these times, that I have the opportunity to reflect on my triggers and negative feelings, a time to dig into the true reason for my agitation.
For 24 hours. I felt like this UNTIL…. something clicked, and I chose to look at the situation from a different angle and point of view.
As I let the anger, and frustration go, I decided to take another look at the Why? When I took a step back, I was able to see it totally differently. I felt empathy and compassion when I realized that it was not laziness I was witnessing, but depression.
Depression is ugly and has many symptoms, they don’t always look like someone else’s, but they do have many similarities. I recognized what and how I had felt so many years ago.
When I was 24 years old, I experienced the worst depression I have ever experienced. I was in a bad relationship, I was suicidal, and had NO energy. I knew I had to do something, so I found an ad in a free newspaper called “Reader” for a study researching depression and the effect of medications for it.
As soon, as I sat down and started talking to the therapist, she immediately recognized that I needed the help, a.s.a.p. and gave me Prozac. I know it is supposed to take weeks to work, but I honestly felt better right away. No idea if it was the drug taking effect, or my soul feeling happy that I was showing myself some kind of love and making an effort to not only survive but thrive.
Eventually that feeling of dread had gone, I left the relationship and I got help, which has been ongoing since.
My will to not only survive but thrive is my saving grace. While healing from the past, and digging deep inside myself has not been a fun en devour, it has been painful and lonely, yet worth it.
I have promised my soul that I will never give up, on healing or being a better human being.