POWER

Power or the lack of it, seems to be an issue I have struggled with this lifetime. When my therapist asks me, what and how I feel in those times when I get angry or feel helpless, my response is lack of power/ feeling powerless comes up quite a bit.

All your truths lie right inside of you, all you have to do is let them come out and actually hear them, then you can reflect on them and process what reveals itself, and how it has affected and reflected in your life and shaped your circumstances.

I have had many dreams, where I feel powerlessness. It gives me feelings of anxiety and desperate. Example of me literally holding on “For dear life” Somehow I thought that if I held on to the rail, instead of using my hands to protect my face and head from hitting the concrete, somehow I thought that if I held and squeezed hard enough, I would keep myself from falling, which it didn’t and instead I broke my jaw.

Many years later in therapy after reading a book about children from abusive families, learn NOT to protect themselves, but the opposite, they learn NOT to put up any fight, as sometimes the punishment could be worse if we do. This reality of who I have been trained to be, made me sad for that little girl, who instead of being protected was abused, and taught how she should just take it, by doing this they taught me, I had no power, instead I would give away, what little power I had to the abuser.

Now that I am so much more aware, of what I “need” or want to feel, I am working on getting my power back, how to control the negative feelings I get when I feel it is threatened, and how to decipher if it is just a trigger or if it is really happening.

It is a lot of mindful work, to rewire your brain, thoughts, feelings and responses.

Thankful, Grateful & Blessed! 

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