Funk

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I have stayed away from being in a relationship.

Yesterday, I was in a heavy mood, at work I could not get over the funk I felt. I didn’t feel like socializing, or engaging with anyone.

I had already agreed to see the man I have been dating, after work. I was looking forward to seeing him and spend time together.

After a couple of hours, I began to ask questions about his past, that quite honestly I didn’t want the answers to, but I continued to push for answers he would not give me. This alone threw me thru a loop. I felt my walls rush up, while my mind starting to fragment and detach.

His reaction, was to leave. He did not contact me until the next day, asking if I was still “pissed”!

What I was feeling, was not pissed but hurt and abandoned. I had a really hard time, trying to figure out how I felt and how I could express it.

Feeling rejected is not a positive or good feeling and neither is feeling abandoned.

I am listening to the book “Childhood disrupted” as I write this, it brings tears to my eyes, because I realize all these feelings, and lack of emotional stability is a result of all the abuse I endured as a child and into adulthood.

Eventually we spoke, after talking with my BFF, a couple of glasses of wine and crying it out. It took quite awhile to get passed the hurt feelings on both sides, but we managed to.

I am working on loving the little girl inside me, that is so hurt, damaged but mostly frightened. The shame this little girl carries through life with her is palpable.

I am a work in progress, it is painful in so many ways. I will not give up on healing! .

Thankful, Grateful & Blessed! 

 

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