My fault

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First of all, I want to take full responsibility for yet again going too fast in the beginning of dating Paul. I am sure that having being single for 8+ years only added steam, to my already impulsive personality.

At this point we have been dating for around 4-6 weeks, I pushed us “forward” in every step. I pushed for us to talk on the phone. After we met, I kissed him first, he moved apartments a couple of weeks into our relationship, which I immediately made myself comfortable in as if I had any right to do so, I was the one to push him to label/define us to be in a “committed” relationship.

Looking back, I feel sorry for the guy, he had no chance of escaping my overpowering domineering personality!

What I got in return., was not much of what I needed or wanted but a lot of complaints, reprimands, insults and let downs. I hadn’t given either one of us the time to get to know each other organically, in my defense we met at the beginning of the corona virus lock down.

I realized that I was right back to my old patterns,  after listening to him complain and point out the brevity.

I know I need to walk/run away from this “relationship”, the anxiety I experienced for two days after his latest blow out took a toll on my well being. I get that my body is screaming at me to make a move and love myself enough, to act on the red flags I not only see but that are glaring in my face, yet I am still torn, and I still stay.

A “healthy” “normal” person would not tolerate this behavior that is now looking like a pattern.

I wonder how long and much time, I will “lose” in this relationship. It doesn’t help that at this time in our lives, the whole world finds itself in lock down because of the COVID-19 virus.

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Thankful, Grateful & Blessed! 

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