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Is Your ADHD Ruining Your Happily Ever After? Do you struggle to commit to a relationship, whether with your spouse or a child? Level up your listening skills and tame temptation with these expert tips for a happy, healthy relationship. BY LARA HONOS-WEBB, PH.D.

You wonder whether you’ll ever be able to settle down in a relationship, afraid that no one will ever let you be yourself with adult ADHD.

You tell yourself, Listen, listen, just listen, when talking with loved ones.

You try to be patient with a partner who seems to move in slow motion compared to your own faster tempo. You think, “Why do I always have to slow down? Why doesn’t anyone try, just for one day, to keep up with me?”

Your need for action and stimulation isn’t a character defect, it’s just a difference. ADHD is not a disorder that has to be hidden. If you can help your partner see the world from your point of view, you’re on your way to a fulfilling relationship.

The Gifts of ADHD

Impatience, inattention, and fidgeting — all symptoms of ADHD — are not crimes.

With these “deficits” come a lively mind and a life of fun and excitement. You have a lot to offer your spouse and children using your own personal style. If you can articulate — to yourself and others — how your ADHD is a gift, it won’t rob you of your vitality and life. To build a strong relationship, advocate for your gifts.

You won’t last in a relationship in which your ADHD traits are summed up as bad behavior. When someone tells you there’s something wrong with you, it hurts. Your partner calling you a “spazz,” or saying you need to “chill” at every turn, can take a serious toll. Let your partner know that such negativity is harmful. Tell him that it hurts to be told there’s something wrong with who you are. Such an admission can build intimacy between the two of you. If you try to cover up the hurt, it will lead to resentment that will prevent you from connecting with your spouse.

If you believe that you shouldn’t feel hurt — or, worse, that you deserve your partner’s criticisms — it is likely you’ll eventually want to end the relationship. Being stuck in reform school is a recipe for resentment.

Because adults with ADHD constantly crave new experiences, maintaining a long-term relationship can be a struggle, even without the burden of criticism. If resentment builds, an their need for stimulation is likely to create the impulse to find another partner. But if you educate your partner about your condition — and its gifts — he won’t be so critical. Try using these statements to advocate for yourself and to show your loved one what you are doing right:

“It’s true I was having trouble listening, but I was keying in to your emotions.” “You’re right: I can’t sit still with the kids, but I can be lots of fun.” “I can’t be as patient as I would like, but I keep our social life hopping.”

Once your spouse understands ADHD and appreciates your strengths, it doesn’t mean that you won’t have problems to solve. Working through them, using the strategies below, will dramatically increase your odds of having a loving relationship.

Find Common Interests

Doing things together as a couple sounds easy, but adults with ADHD often lack patience for activities that a spouse enjoys. Anything that is slow or requires attention to detail can feel like torture to some adults with ADHD: For instance, your partner asks you to play backgammon, but you’d rather pluck out your eyelashes than concentrate on its rules. Or your partner asks you to join him to watch a foreign-language film, and you would rather see an action flick. Although such differences seem tough to resolve, there are solutions (see “Bond with Your Spouse,” below).

Instead of letting backgammon or movies separate you and your spouse, show respect for his passion, while honoring your own interests. How? Give your partner a backgammon set, a book on backgammon strategy, or a night off from family duties to play the game with others.

While you may never share your lover’s enjoyment of board games, you can find activities that make you both happy. If you and he enjoy Italian food, say, come up with activities planned around that interest. Try different Italian restaurants, take a trip to Italy, read cookbooks, or collect Italian wines.

If you compromise yourself, chances are, your relationship will fail. This doesn’t mean that your partner should always be ready to meet your needs. It means that you shouldn’t consistently defer to the other person.

Exercise 1: Bond with Your Spouse

Don’t fight with your partner over competing interests. Focus your attention, instead, on interests that you share. Here’s how:

  • Each of you should compile a list of 100 interests — intellectual topics, sports events, foods, anything that piques your interest. Nothing is too lowbrow or highbrow to go on your lists.
  • Review the lists to identify overlapping interests. Create a new list from these and rank them in order of how much each of you likes them.
  • For each of your top five shared interests, come up with activities that the two of you would enjoy. If you both like classical music, you could visit music stores together, attend concerts, go on drives while listening to CDs, share downloads with each other, take singing classes, start a classical music blog, or read books on favorite artists.
  • Now slot some of these activities into your weekly schedule.

Listen to Your Spouse

Not being listened to is the major complaint of those in intimate relationships with adults who have ADHD. For many, listening to others is hard. In some cases, you may actually be listening, but you look so spaced-out that others think you are not.

Although those with ADHD can’t stand it when others repeat themselves, you may unwittingly be causing them to do so. If you’re impatient and tend to interrupt, your partner may feel he’s not being heard. So he repeats himself, which causes you to tune out even more. Remember: When others feel they have been heard, they will stop repeating themselves. For people in long-term relationships, good listening can break a dysfunctional pattern that has gone on for years — perhaps for decades.

Exercise 2: Listen and Learn

Sometimes your conversations seem to go on forever. That’s because your sense of time is distorted by feelings of restlessness. So you interrupt your spouse or change the topic. This listening exercise will make your partner feel that he has been heard.

  • Figure out the time of day when you typically clash with your spouse over not listening. It may be just after he gets home from work and wants to talk about his stressful day.
  • Sit down with him and let him talk. Do not interrupt for five minutes. If you find yourself getting distracted or looking at the clock, put your attention back on the conversation.
  • At the end of five minutes, summarize what you heard. You might say, “Wow, it sounds like you had a really hectic day. The lousy commute, the awful meeting, and then your boss wanted the proposal done by the end of the day. At least you got to stop at the gym on the way home.” Of course, you can listen for more than five minutes. I have coached people to look like they’re listening-make eye contact and lean toward the person, even if you’re not absorbing every word. If you can’t listen much beyond five minutes, then give yourself permission to do something you want to do. You may say, “Now that you’re home, would you mind hanging out with Robbie for a bit while I go for a run?”

If you’re like most adults with ADHD, your partner will be shocked and pleased that you have listened to him for a full five minutes.

Show Commitment

The main symptoms of ADHD-impulsiveness and the need for constant stimulation and excitement-can enhance or threaten relationships. Because adults  with ADHD are impatient and easily bored, adventurous sexual activities are highly stimulating to them. Attraction to the new and different can cause you to find it difficult to stay monogamous. Adults with ADHD are also usually emotionally uninhibited, which can be attractive to others. This can lead to infidelity (see “Tame Temptation,” below).

The upside is that, once an adult with ADHD makes a commitment, life won’t be boring for his or her spouse. Their creativity will keep things lively, both in the bedroom and in social and recreational activities. I talked with an adult with ADHD who had found the woman whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. While he loved her, he couldn’t make a commitment. She was afraid that he was interested in other women. This hurt their relationship and put him on edge. He realized that committing to his lover would lead to a happy marriage.

Exercise 3: Tame Temptation

Impatience and impulsivity cause many relationship problems for adults with ADHD. Indeed, temptation sometimes overrides longer-term needs and desires. The following activity will you help weigh your choices.

  • Imagine you are at a party celebrating your 25th wedding anniversary. Where would it be held? Who would be there? What gift would you give your spouse?
  • Is the person you are now with the one you want to be with at your anniversary? Or do you want to be there with someone else? How will you feel, on your 25th wedding anniversary, about the person who may now be causing you to consider cheating on your partner? How would indulging your temptations make you feel on that day in the future? Would it be worth it?
  • If you feel that cheating might be worth it, make a list of 10 people you have been attracted to in the last 10 years. Write down your feelings about each of them, and whether or not you acted on your feelings. Review the list. What does it tell you about your feelings of sexual attraction? Can you see a difference between the person you want in your life for the long haul and those you don’t? If cheating on your partner still seems like a good idea, you may want to consult a marriage counselor to help you figure out how to move forward.

9 Women Share the Best Advice They’ve Gotten from Their Therapists During the Pandemic

9 Women Share the Best Advice They’ve Gotten from Their Therapists During the Pandemic

Between being cooped up with our partner 24/7worrying about our parents’ health and trying to keep the kids occupied, the pandemic is really straining our mental health. Which is why we’ve been really grateful for our standing Friday morning appointment with our therapist lately. But we realize that not everyone has access to a therapist (although they totally should). So in an effort to “spread the wealth,” as this tweet so eloquently puts it, we asked nine women to share the best advice they’ve gotten from their therapists during this time. From breathing exercises to thought reframing techniques, here are the tips that have helped.

1. Choose smaller things to look forward to

“I was really upset when I realized that plans I had made for the fall would likely be affected by coronavirus, so my therapist told me to try reframing the things I am looking forward to so that they’re smaller. For example, looking forward to gorgeous weather over the weekend or having my boyfriend cook me a new recipe rather than planning any trips or trying to think about a time when things return to ‘normal.’”—Abby H.

2. Know that it’s OK to have two emotions at once

“My therapist told me ‘you can recognize how lucky you are and how much this sucks at the same time,’ and it really helped.”—Becca L.

3. Try not to worry just for the sake of worrying

“She told me that worrying is just a false sense of control and, as a perpetual worrier, my mind was totally blown.”—Caroline A.

4. Feel free to watch all the Netflix you want

“I’ve been bombarded with emails and social media posts telling me to be productive and use this time to discover, create and hustle. Fortunately, my saint of a therapist has reassured me that it’s perfectly fine to lay on the couch and binge The Office for the 100th time. As long as I’m doing things that make me happy and keep my anxiety at bay, then why wouldn’t I be doing these ‘mundane’ activities?”—Rachel G.

5. Start practicing mindfulness regularly

“My therapist suggested that I start practicing mindfulness regularly as a way to help me stay calm during this stressful and uncertain time. I’ve been loving the Headspace app. The guided meditations and mindfulness exercises have helped me a lot.”—Kayleigh H.

6. Remember that feelings are temporary

“I’ve been feeling kind of all over the place lately, and my therapist told me to remember that all feelings are temporary, and that I’m not irrational or erratic for feeling all of them.”—Natalie Z.

7. Be proud of yourself

“One morning, my therapist ended our Zoom session by reminding me that despite the circumstances, I’m managing pretty well. Living through a pandemic isn’t easy. Even making it through the day to day is something to be proud of.”—Kara C.

8. Learn how to do 4-7-8 breathing

“Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with anxiety and it feels like I can’t breathe. My therapist taught me the 4-7-8 breathing technique, and it really helps. You inhale for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, then exhale for 8. After I do it for a few rounds, my anxiety melts away.”—Lucy B.

9. Speak up about what you need in order to cope

“My husband was acting like a doomsday prepper and it was really stressing me out. My therapist suggested that when he gets into his planning mode that I just tell him, ‘When you say that, it makes me anxious.’ It sounds simple, but after a few weeks we totally got on the same page and haven’t really bugged each other because we started communicating more.”—Haley S.

 Kara Cuzzone

THE LUCKIEST DAY OF 2020 FOR PISCES, by Mary Grace Garis

Pisces: July 9

July 9 is an opportune time to really fall into flow. “On this day, the moon meets up with Neptune, Pisces’ ruling planet, and the sun is in harmonious aspect with both,” says Lang. “This is a highly creative day, when you feel in sync with everything and everyone around you. Because Mercury is retrograde, you’ll need to go with the flow, but that won’t be difficult with the influence of Neptune, which helps make everything dreamier.”

4 Keys To Starting Over On The Path To Inner Success By Guy Finley

When we first set off on the road to self-discovery, we’re optimistic and excited about this inner adventure. We’re confident that we’ll plant our flag atop the inner mountain, and that whatever presently limits us will soon be a relic of the past. But then we get a dose of reality. Talk about tough sledding! Rather than becoming noticeably better, it can feel as if we’re actually getting worse; like one step up the mountain, two steps sliding back. The bad habit we would break looms larger; frustration mounts; despair sets in; and soon we’re thinking about throwing in the towel.

But things are not what they seem, which is why those of us who aspire to reach and realize our own highest possibilities must gain new self-knowledge, beginning with the following: we have not gotten worse! On the contrary, what’s actually happened is that our effort to be free has made us more aware of our captive condition.

The journey to self-discovery

We must have new and higher self-knowledge if we want to avoid falling for the trick of negative inner voices that want us to see our self-exploration as useless. These deceptive thoughts and feelings arise from a conditioned level of consciousness that knows our growing discoveries spell its dismissal from our life. And so to knock us down, and off the path of self-discovery, it uses its last card: discouragement.

Of course, we fall down many times along the upper path; to rise above ourselves takes reaching for what may be temporarily beyond our grasp. But the keyword to remember here is “temporarily”. Nothing in the universe can keep a mind that wants to awaken from doing so! If we will stay the course and persist with our inner work, we will learn that the only power those dark inner “voices” have is what we give them by listening to and believing in them.

The more we keep studying and moving forward, no matter what we see about ourselves, the more sure we can be of ultimately attaining the inner success we long for, with greater understanding, greater compassion, and greater alignment with higher transforming powers. Above all, we must be willing to start over and over again with our self-study. And here we encounter a beautiful law that ensures our ultimate success: Starting over is always possible because Now is always new.

In the present moment, life is continuously new, and so are we when we make the right choice. The inner negative voices that say we will never change come from habit and past experience, and not from reality in its perpetual newness. Seeing this gives us the strength to walk past feelings of failure and keep starting over on the path to self-discovery and true transformation. To help you on this beautiful journey, here are four special insights on the power of starting over, no matter what the discouraging inner voices may be telling you about your potential to finally become your best self.

1) The power to start over is built into reality itself

Life is constantly changing, bringing a new convergence of events. So work to see every unhappy ending or defeat as nothing more than a condition that is passing even as it appears. That’s why there’s no such thing as permanent defeat. The voice telling you that you are defeated is itself only an echo of a time that was – a time that is already gone. No unwanted event is the end of the story. Don’t let the dark voices convince you that an echo in time has any power.

2) There’s always more to know about yourself

Any feeling of failure brings with it the unconscious assumption that you know all there is to know about what has you bottled up. Pull the plug on this self-limitation by meeting every moment of self-defeat with the realization that there’s no end to your ability to learn about yourself. Your ability to learn new things, see life more clearly, feel new love, is without limit. Keep yourself open.

3) Question the source

Just as the physical eye that sees can’t see itself other than through a reflection, you cannot see your psychological self other than by gazing at mental images of your own creation. So, when you see yourself as a failure in your mind’s eye, stop, and remember where that image came from. The painful feelings will lose their force when you can see their root as arising from within your own conditioned self. Realizing that you unconsciously put that picture on the screen begins the inner healing that only real self-knowledge can provide. Now you can begin to see through and dismiss the lie of discouragement.

4) Use revelations to start over – not get discouraged

When some moment of self-study reveals to you how spiritually asleep you are, don’t let that convince you all is lost. Instead, use that same moment to wake up and remember that you can always start your whole life over. You’ll soon realize you don’t have to listen to the inner voice calling you a loser. Make any shocking revelation the focus of deeper self-study, and not the filter through which you look at yourself.

The inner path is always new

If we want to change we have to see where we are now. Can we sometimes be petty? A little jealous? Self-serving instead of compassionate of others? That’s just the way humans are in our fallen estate. Don’t identify with what you see and then think that’s all that’s possible for you. Instead, see these revelations as a needed step to self-perfection, like chipping away at the rough stone to reveal a perfectly cut diamond. A basic truth underlying all such transformation is that life itself is constantly new and changing. Remember this and don’t ever give in to the voices that tell you to give up. Instead, be open to life’s newness. Keep starting over so it can polish you to perfection.

Obsessing thoughts

Obsessing

When we imagine our beloved in the arms of another we wince. We find ourselves plagued with murderous thoughts. We think about our now-scarred relationship and wonder if we can ever be happy again. We beat ourselves up, convincing ourselves that we must be inadequate in some way that this has happened to us (not true!) We think about the other woman/other man. We think about revenge. We can’t seem to get these unceasing, obsessive thoughts about an affair out of our heads! What can we do? Here are some real life strategies to combat obsessive thoughts.

According to experts, obsessions are normal thoughts exaggerated with increased frequency. Struggling with obsessive thoughts does not mean your character or morals are lacking. Anxiety stimulates obsessions. We obsess because we are afraid.

When we discover that our partner has been unfaithful, our world as we have known it is shattered. Our belief systems are shaken and questioned. Our sense of security is gone. Our future has become an unknown. It’s easy to worry about things over and over again to the point of becoming paranoid.

Part of the solution lies in learning to separate unsubstantiated worries from truth, learning to live in the present instead of the past, not thinking of things that are only exaggerated products of our imagination.

Obsessions are like quicksand. Our minds tend to take us in the direction we choose to focus on. If while driving a car, we focus on something on the side of the road, inevitably we will steer the car off the road as well. To drive down the center of the road, we must focus on the center of the road. The same is true in other areas of life. Whatever we feed grows. What we focus on determines the direction we are headed in. We need to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, excellent, or praiseworthy instead.

However, obsessions that come from betrayal are not going to go away merely by willpower. We must get a grip on our problem areas and use strategies to combat obsessive thoughts – we must combat them with positive truth.

When seeking support from others, the key is to find people who will help us sort our thoughts, truth from untruth, what are the “real” problems at hand, and how can we solve those problems. Proactive discussion towards solutions is helpful. Feeding the obsession will only make it worse.

When we recognize that anxiety is the root cause of obsessions, we can understand that real healing from obsessions comes through reducing anxiety

17 Strategies to Combat Obsessive Thoughts About An Affair

1. Make a list of all your obsessive thoughts. Then write down what type of things trigger each, and what you do afterward. What effective coping strategies are you already using?

2. The three-second rule – Allow yourself 3 seconds to think about the obsessive item, then purposefully redirect your attention to something more positive, a feeling, a happy memory, a pleasant vacation, or a kind word.

3. Learn how to relax. Sometimes just thinking the word “relax” softly in your head with a deep breath is helpful. I often whisper to myself, “You’re going to be okay.” (I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I find talking to myself quite helpful.)

4. Learn the art of taking minute vacations, stop and smell a rose, close your eyes and let the sun shine on your face, pet an animal (in fact animals can offer a lot of comfort if we stop to enjoy them for a few minutes).

5. Learn to live in the present. Obsessions are projections of ourselves into the past, the future, other people and situations. Often our present is actually going quite well, except we are allowing what is good to be ruined by what was, or what we worry might be. As one individual so eloquently put it, “I have had many problems in my lifetime, a few of which actually happened!(The way we are treated by our spouse during recovery does make a big difference. It helps enormously if we can balance the negative with more positive present-day experiences.)

6. Count the things that you can be thankful for each day. Focus on your positive circumstances or behaviors rather than what might be “wrong.”  This strategy works miracles for bringing a person out of any gloomy mood. (The other day, I was doing this, and as soon as I counted, “and I haven’t lost all my possessions and loved ones in a tsunami,” I began to weep thinking about how much I have to be grateful for.)

7. Reward yourself for any and all progress made in dealing with obsessive thoughts.

8. Use distractions. Many report that distracting themselves with other activities helps them stop obsessing negatively. One woman found her fast-paced job helpful. It forced her to take her mind off the painful thoughts for a time. The painful thoughts accompanying a spouse’s affair are so intense it is overwhelming to process them all at once. By taking breaks from dealing with it, we divide the pain into humanly manageable chunks.

9. Redirect your attention from thoughts to actual experience. What is real, today?

10. Change the setting. Take a day off, go to the beach, visit relatives or friends, go hiking – just get away from the persons or things that trigger your obsessions.

11. Give yourself some time each day to sit quietly without any purpose or activity. Oh, how I cherish those rare moments at my house when I am alone and can just sit for a few quiet moments and do nothing, no music, no noise. Nothing. It’s rejuvenating! I also practice this occasionally while driving. Turn off the radio. Just be quiet with yourself for a few moments. You may even get an inspired solution to a problem. A relaxed walk through nature also works.

12. Learn how to say “No.” You don’t have to be everything and do everything for everyone. Freedom of choice and listening to your own desires opposes obsessing.

13. The Head Shake Technique. If you find yourself obsessing simply shake your head as if you were shaking the thought right out of your head.

14. Thought Stopping. When you notice yourself obsessing actually shout, “STOP” in your head and then move on to another activity or direction. This is different than trying not to think about an obsession – which only makes the obsession stronger. Rather it is interrupting the obsessive process. We cannot keep ourselves from having obsessive thoughts, but we can refuse to dwell on them; we can immediately try to think about more positive things, like the biblical verse, “Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Renewing your mind (changing the way you think) doesn’t happen by accident. It is something you accomplish.

15. Massed Imaginational Exposure. Develop your own script of the worst fears you obsess about. Read the script onto an audiotape and play it for 30-60 minutes. Note your anxiety level (0-100) when you start and keep at it until the anxiety goes down by 50% or more. Feel the anxiety and don’t do any behaviors to avoid it.

16. Shadowing. Follow someone you trust through a behavior that has been difficult for you due to obsessing. This can sometimes break you through the mental barriers caused by the obsession.

17. Thought Backtracking. When you notice yourself on an obsessive train of thought, think of the thought like a train and reverse the direction. What was the thought you had before the current one? What was the one before that? What was the initial thought that started you off? When you get back to something involving your five senses and real, present experience, stop and enjoy that.

In Conclusion

The journey to healing the pain of an affair is like a roller coaster ride. At times you will move along quite far, only to be triggered by something, and sent right back into the pain as if it had just happened. Do not be discouraged. It doesn’t mean you aren’t healing. It means you are normal.

It is important not to expect perfection from yourself. It’s okay to make mistakes along the way. Failure is part of the journey to success. So when you blow it, failing to do what some book or counselor told you to do, or what you think you should do, don’t worry. Get up and keep going. Don’t think, “Oh, I’m such a loser, I dwelled on that thought all day yesterday.” Thank: “Good for me. I’m doing better today.”

When will these obsessive thoughts about an affair ever go away? There is no set time, no defined moment. As we do the HARD WORK of healing (that is, facing our pain and processing it in a healthy manner), slowly the incidences of obsessing diminish in frequency and intensity, until one day we realize, “Wow! I can’t remember the last time I thought about the affair.

We will always remember the affair, and we will always remember the pain that went with it. The goal is not to forget (which is not possible – my memory is in excellent condition). The goal is to process and heal so that when we do remember, we no longer feel the pain. We no longer relive the pain with the memory.

Peggy Vaughan writes in her book, Beyond Affairs:

“I frequently wished I could have amnesia. That seemed to be the only way I could forget the past. Also, I wished for time to pass. I’d always heard that time heals, but I never heard just how much time it takes. I didn’t know whether I could last long enough.

“We spent many, many hours talking about our feelings and trying to get a handle on the whole experience. Little by little it got easier to handle the emotional aspects too…Finally, one day the pain just slipped away when I didn’t even notice.”

By Anne Bercht.

THE BIGGEST MISCONCEPTION OF PISCES & SAGITTARIUS, by Mary Grace Garis

Pisces: moody

“Ruled by Neptune and their massive imagination, Pisces tend to get a bad reputation for being moody, closed off, or guarded. There’s much more under the surface of this deeply sensitive sign. Pisces is the last astrological sign of the zodiac; ruled by water, they’re considered to be one of the most emotionally intelligent signs. This, however, can have its drawbacks when it comes to fully expressing or communicating what they’re feeling and thinking.

“Pisces can feel a lot all at once and are very empathic, so sometimes their emotions can be more than they know how to handle, especially around people. They do like to escape into their own dreamland but don’t mistake this for being closed off or moody. Pisces are super gentle and expressive in their own creative way; if you give them the right atmosphere to feel comfortable and not bombarded with all the energy around them, then you will discover a very kind and open person.”

Sagittarius: commitment issues

“In terms of a big misconception about Sagittarius, many people think that we’re commitment-phobes when it comes to relationships. While we do love our freedom, we tend to give our undivided attention to anyone or anything that helps us grow, can take us somewhere new, and allows us to derive meaning from life. If a partner can keep up with us on our quest for truth, wisdom, and adventure, they’ll be a partner for life.”

10 False Ideas You Need To Let Go Of To Manifest Your Dreams By Dina Marais

Your universal fear of losing control is held in place by false ideas that are holding you hostage and that you need to let go of in order to manifest your dreams. The need for control stems from feeling unsafe, believing that when you can control everything and everybody in your life, you are safe.

Here, your ego is in charge of your mind and life, and its job is to keep things familiar for you to feel safe in your comfort zone, even though it’s miserable. When you want to venture beyond your comfort zone, fear of the unknown kicks in and this feeling of uncertainty pulls you back into your comfort zone.

However, this is the bridge you need to cross. To change is uncomfortable. To let go is to embrace the unknown and uncertainty, and trust in the Universe that you will be guided towards a future that you love. The fear of letting go is part of a trio of universal fears as described by Gregg Braden in his book, The Divine Matrix. The 3 universal fears – the fear of separation, the fear of not good enough, and the fear of losing control – work together to form your self-image that drives everything in your life.

We have been conditioned to think that we are separate from the Universe, God, Source, or what you call this Infinite Intelligence, and from each other. We have been conditioned to believe that we are not good enough, hence the fear of rejection, of not belonging. This is, in fact, the human condition. We are fearful because we don’t remember who we are – that we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. Our Spiritual Journey, finding our way back to our connection with the Divine and our True Self, is directly related to the extent that we are able to trust in the Universe and thereby let go of control.

What are the specific things that we need to let go of?

1) Let go of the idea that undesirable circumstances are permanent

When we are in a cycle of things not working, we can easily believe that it is permanent and is never going to change.

However, the truth is that nothing is permanent and things are forever changing and moving. To change undesirable circumstances is to change your relationship with the circumstances. In other words, change the meanings you have about what is not working. This may also involve your relationship with the concepts of money and scarcity.

The fact is, it is your own beliefs about your circumstances that create the energy that perpetuate the circumstances. Remember, the Law of Attraction brings you experiences that match your energy vibration. So, if you continuously focus on not having enough money, not having enough clients, and experience the fear of scarcity, then that is exactly what you attract.

2) Let go of the idea that what you want is not possible

First of all, what you believe is true for you. If you believe that what you want is not possible, you are right.

The truth, however, is that anything is possible to be created. It is also crucial to know that your beliefs may not be true. Do not believe everything you think. Not too long ago we did not believe it was possible to talk to someone on video on the other side of the world. Yet, that crazy idea is now a reality. Everything around us started with a thought, a dream by someone. In the Universe, nothing is impossible. Limitations are created by us. Whatever you dream about is possible and all you need to do is lean into the idea that it is possible, surrender your dream, and let the Universe work out the details.

3) Let go of the idea of blaming and complaining

Blaming and complaining rob you of taking responsibility for your challenges and do something about it. When you blame and complain, you are giving your power away to someone or something else to control your thoughts and emotions. This means that you take things personally, that you make situations about you, instead of about the issue at hand.

The truth is that you do not have control over what happens and what others say or do, but you do have control over how you respond to that.

4) Let go of the idea that it is only up to you

Actually, you have a senior partner to co-create your dreams – the Infinite Intelligence that creates worlds is on your side. You are here to create the life you love. But as I said, we have been conditioned to believe that it is up to us to make it happen.

The wonderful truth is that your ideas are divinely-inspired and that you wouldn’t be able to think of an idea if you were not able to manifest it. Plus, whatever you desire is already here. The clients you want are already here, the money you want is already here, etc. Your soul mate is already here. The Universe is the Source of Unlimited Supply.

5) Let go of the idea that it is within your control

Frankly, my dear, it is above your pay grade to manifest your dreams. The information to organize circumstances that bring you your desires are classified. Whatever you want to create involves a much bigger picture than you can comprehend.

Your role as co-creator with the Divine is to imagine and give your dream form, and then surrender it to the Universe to fulfill. It is not your job to make it happen because that is the playing field of Infinite Intelligence. The truth is that the only thing you are in control of is your energy vibration alignment. This is the other part of your job description. You have to only focus on feeling the joy and gratitude of already having your desire.

6) Let go of the idea that you are alone in this

You are never and never have been alone. The truth is that the power that created you and that breathes you is in you and all around you. It is always with you. This loving Intelligence is always ready to support you and guide you. The connection you have with the Divine might seem challenging, but it has never been gone and it is with you now.

7) Let go of the fear of the unknown.

The fear of the unknown is probably the biggest deterrent to your success. Ironically, what you already know is from the past and probably represents what you don’t want.

The truth is that the Unknown is your friend of infinite possibility.

8) Let Go of the idea that you have to know everything before you can start

The expert in anything was once a beginner.  Nobody knows everything. With anything new that you wish to create, there are gaps in your knowledge and skillset to fill.

What goes hand-in-hand with this is perfectionism that is a symptom of the fear of rejection. The intention behind perfectionism is to hang on to control. The truth is that what you need to know will be revealed to you, as you need it. You just need to take the next step. A great analogy is that when you travel at night, the headlights of your car only illuminate a short distance of the road. You just keep following the light, right?

9) Let go of the idea that you are not good enough

Here it is important to know that your Spiritual DNA is perfect. You are Divine perfection. As a Spiritual Being, your value is a given and cannot be measured by anything that you do or have. The traumas, trials, mistakes, and triumphs of your life form part of your spiritual journey and have contributed to the person you are today.

However, the truth is that you ARE NOT your History. You ARE NOT your thoughts or emotions. You HAVE thoughts and emotions and we all have a past.

10) Let go of the fear of failing

The fear of failing, the fear of rejection, the fear of not being good enough, are all related to the fear of loss and are held in place by the fear of losing control.

The fear of failing also implies not getting something specific and it refers to all-or-nothing thinking. When you think about failing, when is the moment you fail? Putting failure and success on the polar opposites of a continuum, where does success end and failing begin, and vice versa? Both concepts exist in different ratios on the continuum. Actually, there is no such thing as failure. There is only feedback. Thomas Edison comes to mind in having had 1000 attempts (or so the story goes), before creating the light bulb. When someone commented that he failed, he merely replied that these attempts showed him how not to do it.

Conclusion

You cannot control the Universe. When you want to manifest your dream, you have to let go and trust that God knows how to create what you desire much better than you beyond your wildest dreams. It is when you surrender and don’t allow your ego to keep you chained to the comfort zone of your past limitations, that your life unfolds. This is indeed the most freeing feeling I have ever experienced – to let go and instead of falling, you suddenly have wings that allow you to fly.

Heaven On Earth: The Art Of Conscious Living By Jean Farish

“There is only one path to Heaven. On Earth, we call it Love.” Henry David Thoreau

Life is a continual process of growth and change, learning and discovery, and an opportunity to make healthy choices to live a meaningful life. We often find ourselves struggling against forces which we have no control, and we learn to adapt in order to survive.

The world is filled with complex systems of interacting forces. We are constantly bombarded with information, false beliefs, illusions, and misconceptions that penetrate our consciousness and inhibit our capacity to live with peace, grace, and ease.

To become a connoisseur of change, the connection with our inner source of divine love is essential to sustain well-being and harmony in the midst of life’s most challenging situations. The capacity to flourish and achieve self-mastery is indeed an art form that is empowering. With the realization that our inner being reflects external conditions, the courage for self-introspection enables us to take an honest inventory of ourselves, examine aspects of our lives that are out of balance, and discern what no longer serves us that blocks our personal development and spiritual growth.

Cultivating the art of conscious living requires becoming empowered to flourish and achieve self-mastery by embracing change, embodying love, being grateful, and living with purpose.

Embracing change

Change is the only constant in our lives. It can be exhilarating and heartbreaking. Loss and change is inevitable, and a reality in everyday life. Whether perceived as negative or positive, change seems to invoke automatic fear responses resulting in uncertainty, ambiguity  and discomfort. Challenges to change may manifest through unconsciously embedded fear responses that inhibit progress and well-being. Change presents opportunities to discard outworn beliefs and habits that inhibit our capacity to live a meaningful life. Self-empowerment makes us more aware of ourselves in all areas of our lives and enables us to embrace change.

By accepting change as natural cycles in the ebb and flow of life, we can consciously set new intentions and create the life we desire.

Embodying love

It is said that we are motivated by love or fear. Love is a powerful force and an essential part of the human experience. Fear is a major impediment to personal development and spiritual growth. Love is our innate nature and our natural state of being. Self-love is the foundation of self-worth and is the cornerstone of personal empowerment. Buscaglia quotes, “Love and self are one and the discovery of either is the realization of both.” Learning to love yourself, becoming aware of unconscious fear-based beliefs that keep you stuck is essential to making desirable choices to live in peace and joy.

What does love really mean? What qualities make a person loving? How is authentic unconditional love demonstrated? Henry Drummond’s Spectrum of Love is a model for conscious living and represents the wholeness of love that can be put into practice. The Spectrum of Love includes patience, kindness, generosity, humility, courtesy, unselfishness, good temper, guiltlessness, and sincerity.

Love is an art, and as Erich Fromm states, the practice of any art has certain general requirements-discipline, concentration, patience, and supreme concern. A daily love practice incorporating these ingredients can awaken our consciousness and open our hearts to live in the spirit of love.

Being grateful

Each one of us is on our journey filled with infinite possibilities to awaken to the true essence of life and divine love. The inevitable strength on our journey is to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness and deep gratitude daily. Gratitude nurtures within us a positive, joy-filled consciousness and unifies us with the flow of life, which gives birth to inner fulfillment. It shifts our perspective even in the midst of the most challenging situations. Gratitude helps us recognize the abundance of joy that is present in our lives.

Keep the thought of abundance constantly in your mind and reflect on the ample supply of goodness in the universe. Make gratitude a daily practice and see how it changes your life.

Living purposefully

What is your passion? What ignites your soul? What brings you joy? We search for purpose beyond survival and pleasure. To live with purpose and minimize needless distractions keep us mindful of what is worthy of our attention. Meaning and purpose are innate desires and essential for self-discovery. Pay attention to the quiet power within, the gentle whisper, the gut feeling that nudges you to make certain choices. Your heart speaks to guide you on the right path.

Creative inspiration is the key to uniting with your passion. It is the true expression of inner talents and gifts that can be shared in the world. Meaning and purpose energizes our life and aligns us with our true self for ultimate fulfillment.

Life is not just existing and settling for less than who we really are. It is flourishing and mastering our lives. The following are recommended:

  • Maintain a positive outlook on life
  • Be in control of yourself by reframing negative self-talk
  • Release old stories and self-defeating patterns
  • Evaluate what deserves your attention and energy
  • Participate with change as a natural part of the human experience
  • Radiate love and make gratitude a way of life.

The art of conscious living brings peace to our soul, awakens our consciousness, and brings heaven to earth.

25 Pieces Of Zen Wisdom You Never Knew You Needed By Matt Caron

Zen is one of the most unique perspectives on Buddhism in the world.

Instead of telling the practitioner what the meaning of life is, it teaches the value of getting over life’s difficulties.

Patience, attentiveness, living in the moment- these are some of the highest values in Zen.

These 25 pieces of Zen wisdom will help shed some light on this ancient religion…and maybe answer some of the most important questions you will ever face in life.

 



  1. The man who moved the mountain was the one who began by carrying away the smallest stones.

  2. Don’t be afraid that you do not know something. Be afraid of not learning about it.

  3. Always look on the bright side of things. If you can’t comprehend this, polish that which has become dull until it begins to shine.

  4. Even if you stumble and fall down, it doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong path.

  5. A strong man overcomes an obstacle, a wise man goes the whole way.

  6. The temptation to give up is strongest just before victory.

  7. The goal in life is to die young…but to do so as late as possible.

  8. Don’t speak if it doesn’t improve upon silence.

  9. Someone who points out your flaws to you is not necessarily your enemy. Someone who speaks of your virtues is not necessarily your friend.

  10. A thousand-mile journey begins with just one step.

  11. Don’t be afraid to go slowly. Be afraid of stopping.

  12. A person who is capable of blushing cannot have a bad heart.

  13. Even the happiness of a fool is a stupid kind of happiness.

  14. A hut full of laughter is richer than a palace full of sadness.

  15. Whatever happens always, happens on time.

  16. A good teacher opens the door for you, but you must enter the room by yourself.

  17. A mountain never yields to the wind- no matter how strong it is.

  18. Your home is where your thoughts find peace.

  19. There’s no such thing as a friend who doesn’t have any flaws. But if you try to look for all their flaws, you will remain with no friends.

  20. Unhappiness enters through a door that has been left open.

  21. No one returns from a long journey the same person they were before.

  22. It’s better to be a person for a day than to be a shadow for a 1,000 days.

  23. If you’ve made a mistake, it’s better just to laugh at it.

  24. Live calmly. The time will come when the flowers bloom by themselves.

  25. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

PISCES June 2020 horoscope

11 Pisces

Though Venus retrograde has you (re)considering a big move, delaying home improvements or generally caught up in your private life, the lunar eclipse on the 5th brings a climactic moment for your career. If you’ve been avoiding putting yourself out there for a new position, standing up to your boss or making moves on a job change, there’s no running away now. As far as your health, Mars has been in your sign since mid-May and you may have been inspired to work out harder and longer. Be careful of over-exerting yourself on the 13th when you may be prone to exhaustion. On the 30th, you continue a collaborative project with your friends or coworkers that you began back in early April. Whatever it is, keep working to inspire.

Love Horoscope: The solar eclipse on the 21st falls in your romance and creativity sector which may force you out of your shell and on some kind of date. Even if you’re meeting up via FaceTime rather than IRL, be proud of yourself for trying something new!

Money Horoscope: Mars moves into your money sector on the 27th, and if you’ve been feeling ambivalent about your cash flow, it’s time to get inspired. On the 28th, you get some solid advice from a friend of a friend about budgeting or making investments. With Mars in Aries for the next six months, you have a lot of time to try things out